Stupidly Hilarious Harry Potter Quotes

Here are some of the most cry with laughter moments from the Harry Potter Series. Copy, Paste, Enjoy. And comment with your favourite.

You know how to drive, I take it?” [Dedalus] asked Uncle Vernon politely.
“Know how to – ? Of course I ruddy well know how to drive!” spluttered Uncle Vernon.
“Very clever of you sir, very clever, I personally would be utterly bamboozled by all those buttons and knobs,” said Dedalus.
He was clearly under the impression that he was flattering Vernon Dursley, who was visibly losing confidence in the plan with every word Dedalus spoke.

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“Do I look stupid?” snarled Uncle Vernon, a bit of fried egg dangling from his bushy mustache.

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Mrs. Weasley let out a shriek just like Hermione’s.
“I don’t believe it! Oh, Ron, how wonderful! A prefect! That’s everyone in the family!”
“What are Fred and I, next-door neighbours?” said George indignantly, as his mother pushed him aside and flung her arms around her youngest son.

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Why Are You Worrying about You-Know-Who?
You SHOULD Be Worrying About
U-NO-POO –
the Constipation Sensation That’s Gripping the Nation!

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We tried to shut him in a pyramid, but Mum spotted us.”

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“It’s lucky it’s dark…I haven’t blushed so much since Madame Pomfrey told me she liked my new earmuffs.”

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“Where is Wood?” said Harry, suddenly realizing he wasn’t there.
“Still in the showers,” said Fred. “We think he’s trying to drown himself.”

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“Yeah, someone might slip dragon dung in it again, eh, Perce?” said Fred. “That was a sample of fertilizer from Norway!” said Percy, going very red in the face. “It was nothing personal!”
“It was,” Fred whispered to Harry as they got up from the table. “We sent it.”

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“Mad-Eye Moody?” said George thoughtfully, spreading marmalade on his toast. “Isn’t he that nutter–”
“Your father thinks very highly of Mad-Eye Moody,” said Mrs. Weasley sternly.
“Yeah, well, Dad collects plugs, doesn’t he?” said Fred quietly as Mrs. Weasley left the room.

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“Don’t be prat, Neville, that’s illegal,” said George. “They wouldn’t use the Cruciatus Curse on the champions. I thought it sounded a bit like Percy singing… maybe you’ve got to attack him while he’s in the shower, Harry.”

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Ron was staring at Pettigrew with the utmost revulsion.
“I let you sleep in my bed!” he said

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(Harry just been greeted by Percy…) “Harry!” said Fred, elbowing Percy out of the way and bowing deeply. “Simply splendid to see you, old boy-” “Marvelous,” said George, pushing Fred aside and seizing Harry’s hand in turn. “Absolutely spiffing.” Percy scowled. “That’s enough, now,” said Mrs. Weasley. “Mum!” said Fred as though he’d only just spotted her and seized her hand too. “How really corking to see you-“

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“Percy wouldn’t recognize a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing Dobby’s tea cozy.”

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Moaning Myrtle: “Peeves upset me so much that I came in here and tried to kill myself. Then, of course, I remembered that I’m — that I’m–”
“Already dead?”

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Lee Jordan was finding it difficult not to take sides.
“So–after that obvious and disgusting bit of cheating–”
“Jordan!” growled Professor McGonagall.
“I mean, after that open and revolting foul–”
“Jordan, I’m warning you–”
“All right, all right. Flint nearly kills the Gryffindor Seeker, which could happen to anyone, I’m sure…”

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“Mistletoe,” said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clumb of white berries placed over Harry’s head. He jumped out from under it. “Good thinking,” said Luna seriously. “It’s often infested with nargles.”

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“I’ll look for him later, I expect I’ll find him upstairs crying his eyes out over my mother’s old bloomers or something…Of course, he might have crawled up into the airing cupboard and died…But I mustn’t get my hopes up…”

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One of them was a very old wizard who was wearing a long flowery nightgown. The other was clearly a Ministry wizard; he was holding out a pair of pinstriped trousers and almost crying with exasperation.
“Just put them on, Archie, there’s a good chap. You can’t walk around like that, the Muggle at the gate’s already getting suspicious–”
“I bought this in a Muggle shop,” said the old wizard stubbornly. “Muggles wear them.”
“Muggle women wear them, Archie, not the men, they wear these,” said the Ministry wizard, and he brandished the pinstriped trousers.
“I’m not putting them on,” said old Archie in indignation. “I like a healthy breeze ’round my privates, thanks.”

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Somewhere in the distance they could hear Peeves zooming through the corridors singing a victory song of his own composition:

We did it, we bashed them, wee Potter’s the one, And Voldy’s gone moldy, so now let’s have fun!

“Really gives a feeling for the scope and tragedy of the thing, doesn’t it?” said Ron.

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Ron: “Sure you’re not thinking of Gorgovitch?”
Harry: “Who?”
“Dragomir Gorgovitch, Chaser, transferred to the Chudley Cannons for a record fee two years ago. Record holder for most Quaffle drops in a season.”
“No,” said Harry. “I’m definitely not thinking of Gorgovitch.
“I try not to either,” said Ron.

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The sooner this wedding’s over the happier I’ll be.” [Ron]
“Yeah” said Harry, “then we’ll have nothing to do except find Horcruxes….It’ll be like a holiday, won’t it?”

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“I was awake half the night thinking it all over, and I believe it’s a plot to get the house.”
“The house?” repeated Harry. “What house?”
“This house!” shrieked Uncle Vernon, the vein in his forehead starting to pulse. “Our house! House prices are skyrocketing around here! You want us out of the way and then you’re going to do a bit of hocus-pocus and before we know it the deeds will be in your name and—“
“Are you out of your mind?” demanded Harry. “A plot to get this house? Are you actually as stupid as you look?”

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“Not this brave at night, are you?” sneered Dudley.
“This is night, Diddykins. That’s what we call it when it goes all dark like this.”

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“…Little Ronnie, a prefect…Oh, I’m all of a dither!” She [Mrs. Weasley] gave Ron yet another kiss on the cheek, sniffed loudly, and bustled from the room Fred and George exchanged looks.
“You don’t mind if we don’t kiss you, do you, Ron?” said Fred in a falsely anxious voice.
“We could curtsy, if you like,” said George.

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“Who’s Kreacher?”
“The house-elf who lives here,” said Ron. “Nutter. Never met one like him.”
“He is not a nutter,” said Hermione.
“His life’s ambition is to have his head cut off and stuck up on a plaque like his mother,” said Ron. “Is that normal, Hermione?”

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Don’t be prat, Neville, that’s illegal,” said George. “They wouldn’t use the Cruciatus Curse on the champions. I thought it sounded a bit like Percy singing… maybe you’ve got to attack him while he’s in the shower, Harry.”

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“Enjoying it?” said Ron darkly. “I don’t reckon he’d come home if Dad didn’t make him. He’s obsessed. Just don’t get him onto the subject of his boss. ‘According to Mr. Crouch…as I was saying to Mr. Crouch…Mr. Crouch is of the opinion…Mr. Crouch was telling me…’ They’ll be announcing their engagement any day now.”

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Ron: “Who’re you going with then?”
Fred: “Angelina.”
Ron: “What? You’ve already asked her?”
Fred: “Good point. Oi, Angelina! Want to come to the ball with me?”

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Ron: “I could’ve taken those mer-idiots any time I wanted.”
Hermione: “What were you going to do, snore at them?”

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An excellent point,” said Professor Dumbledore. “My own brother, Aberforth, was prosecuted for practicing inappropriate charms on a goat. It was all over the papers, but did Aberforth hide? No, he did not! He held his head high and went about his business as usual! Of course, I’m not entirely sure he can read, so that may not have been bravery…”

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Well, we were always going to fail that one,” said Ron gloomily as they ascended the marble staircase. He had just made Harry feel rather better by telling him how he told the examiner in detail about the ugly man with a wart on his nose in the crystal ball, only to look up an realize he had been describing the examiner’s reflection.

 

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Harry Potter Spoof

14 Year Old Me’s Version of Harry Potter

OKay so when I was younger I wrote a comical alternate ending to the harry potter stories (I love them so much!) and I recently found it again…

harry potter funny

image from deviant art

 An alternate ending

Harry left the elder wand in Dumbledore’s office and headed back to the Great hall to check on his fellows and to be with Ginny.
He entered the great hall and looked through the crowds for Ginny. Harry saw Hermione embracing Victor Krum whilst Ron stared at them moodily.
To his enormous surprise, Ginny seemed to be a little too close to Draco; they were cuddling and stroking each other’s hair.
“Oi, Draco, get off my bird,” Harry yelled.
“Who says I’m your bird?” Ginny scowled.
“What?” Harry asked puzzled.
“Do you actually think I would marry you? I don’t want my kids to look like you!” Ginny exclaimed.
Harry felt like his world had just ended, a giant crab clamped his heart and he found it difficult to breath. Ginny and Draco were now snogging. He turned away and felt his wand fly out of his hand and noticed one of the hairy death-eaters had gone rigid. His hair disappeared and he was losing weight quickly. His big stupid eyes shrank until they were narrow red slits. His pink face turned paper white. Voldemort grinned up at Harry.
“No!” Harry cried.
“Yes, Harry, polyjuice potion,” Voldemort said smiling, “did you think it was that easy to kill Lord Voldemort, people died for you today Potter, and many especially the oaf Goyle died for me”.
“What so I killed Goyle’s dad?” Harry asked bewildered.
Voldemort nodded, “Poor Bella she loved the oaf and now their child is an orphan”, he said happily.
“Now Harry”, Voldemort said raising the elder wand, “prepare to die in the hands of Lord Voldemort with the elder wand”.
“NO!” Harry said angrily.
“Shouldn’t have left it hanging around mate,” Voldemort advised him coldly.
Harry thought quickly, he had no wand and Voldemort had two, he started panicking then an idea hit him. He reached into his robe pocket and pulled out a pistol and pointed it at Voldemort. Who laughed and waved it away with a flick of his wand.
Harry took out a knife but Voldemort waved that away too. He took out an axe, a dagger, a rocket launcher, a bomb, a banana but Voldemort waved all those away too.
“You cannot defeat me with your muggle contraptions, Harry”
Harry took out one last thing, a crumple-horned snorkak and waved it at Lord Voldemort’s face.
A puff of yellow smoke and Voldemort screamed with pain.
The smoke cleared and Voldemort had the brightest and sleekest ginger hair growing from his baldhead.
Voldemort took out a mirror and peered into it, “I’m ugly!” he sobbed then looked angrily at Harry, “You will pay for this Harry!” he shouted.
Harry tried hard not to laugh; it would not be appropriate as he was just about to die.
“But how did you get the wand?” Harry asked.
“Your mud-blood friend brought it to me in exchange for Krum’s life,” Voldemort said twiddling the elder wand in his waxen fingers.
“What did you do that for?” Harry demanded, turning to face Hermione.
“You didn’t think I was going to marry Ron did you, Krum’s an international Quidditch player!” Hermione declared.
“But Ron’s gorgeous!” Harry exclaimed blushing heavily.
Ron turned to face Harry with a look of alarm and lust.
“Expelliarmus!” someone shouted.
The two wands Voldemort had been holding soared through the air and landed in Neville’s hands.
Neville raised the elder wand and pointed it to Voldemort’s chest and bellowed the killing curse. Voldemort fell to the floor dead.
“I killed him!” Neville shouted happily.
“Way to steal my glory Nev,” Harry muttered.
“I hate you Harry,” Neville spat.
“What?” Harry asked confused.
“You deaf as well as stupid?” Neville teased nastily.
He pointed the elder wand at Harry who backed away nervously.
“Did you really mean that?” Ron asked him, “about me being gorgeous?”
Harry nodded his face feeling hot.
Neville opened his mouth to say the killing curse but he was interrupted by a deafening crash.
Dija stood up and dusted her jeans.
“I’ve come to save you Harry,” she said brightly.
Neville turned to her, looked at her distastefully and spoke,
“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Dija, the writer of this spoof!” he waved his wand and Dija turned into a three legged stool.
Neville turned to Harry.
“Why do you hate me Neville?” Harry asked, he was feeling slightly more cheerful, he had always hated the writer, Dija.
“Your English accent!” Neville explained, “I hate it!”
“B-but that’s the actor who plays me Nev, not me!” Harry said defensively. This was getting ridiculous!
“Because of you loads of people died, like Colin, and you hated Colin, not to mention Snape,” Neville cried.
He waved his wand and yelled, “avarda kadavra”, Harry fell to the floor in a crumpled heap, dead. There were gasps throughout the hall and then cheers. A few wizards waved their wands and party streamers and heavy rap music burst into the hall.
“I did it gran!” Neville said happily. His Gran hugged him tightly.
Neville waved his wand the music died down. Everyone looked up at him.
“From now on, you shall refer to me as Lord Neville, at least until I think of something better”.

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