Stupidly Hilarious Harry Potter Quotes

Here are some of the most cry with laughter moments from the Harry Potter Series. Copy, Paste, Enjoy. And comment with your favourite.

You know how to drive, I take it?” [Dedalus] asked Uncle Vernon politely.
“Know how to – ? Of course I ruddy well know how to drive!” spluttered Uncle Vernon.
“Very clever of you sir, very clever, I personally would be utterly bamboozled by all those buttons and knobs,” said Dedalus.
He was clearly under the impression that he was flattering Vernon Dursley, who was visibly losing confidence in the plan with every word Dedalus spoke.

———————————————

“Do I look stupid?” snarled Uncle Vernon, a bit of fried egg dangling from his bushy mustache.

———————————————

Mrs. Weasley let out a shriek just like Hermione’s.
“I don’t believe it! Oh, Ron, how wonderful! A prefect! That’s everyone in the family!”
“What are Fred and I, next-door neighbours?” said George indignantly, as his mother pushed him aside and flung her arms around her youngest son.

———————————————

Why Are You Worrying about You-Know-Who?
You SHOULD Be Worrying About
U-NO-POO –
the Constipation Sensation That’s Gripping the Nation!

———————————————

We tried to shut him in a pyramid, but Mum spotted us.”

———————————————

“It’s lucky it’s dark…I haven’t blushed so much since Madame Pomfrey told me she liked my new earmuffs.”

———————————————

“Where is Wood?” said Harry, suddenly realizing he wasn’t there.
“Still in the showers,” said Fred. “We think he’s trying to drown himself.”

———————————————

“Yeah, someone might slip dragon dung in it again, eh, Perce?” said Fred. “That was a sample of fertilizer from Norway!” said Percy, going very red in the face. “It was nothing personal!”
“It was,” Fred whispered to Harry as they got up from the table. “We sent it.”

———————————————

“Mad-Eye Moody?” said George thoughtfully, spreading marmalade on his toast. “Isn’t he that nutter–”
“Your father thinks very highly of Mad-Eye Moody,” said Mrs. Weasley sternly.
“Yeah, well, Dad collects plugs, doesn’t he?” said Fred quietly as Mrs. Weasley left the room.

———————————————

“Don’t be prat, Neville, that’s illegal,” said George. “They wouldn’t use the Cruciatus Curse on the champions. I thought it sounded a bit like Percy singing… maybe you’ve got to attack him while he’s in the shower, Harry.”

———————————————

Ron was staring at Pettigrew with the utmost revulsion.
“I let you sleep in my bed!” he said

———————————————

(Harry just been greeted by Percy…) “Harry!” said Fred, elbowing Percy out of the way and bowing deeply. “Simply splendid to see you, old boy-” “Marvelous,” said George, pushing Fred aside and seizing Harry’s hand in turn. “Absolutely spiffing.” Percy scowled. “That’s enough, now,” said Mrs. Weasley. “Mum!” said Fred as though he’d only just spotted her and seized her hand too. “How really corking to see you-“

———————————————

“Percy wouldn’t recognize a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing Dobby’s tea cozy.”

———————————————

Moaning Myrtle: “Peeves upset me so much that I came in here and tried to kill myself. Then, of course, I remembered that I’m — that I’m–”
“Already dead?”

———————————————

Lee Jordan was finding it difficult not to take sides.
“So–after that obvious and disgusting bit of cheating–”
“Jordan!” growled Professor McGonagall.
“I mean, after that open and revolting foul–”
“Jordan, I’m warning you–”
“All right, all right. Flint nearly kills the Gryffindor Seeker, which could happen to anyone, I’m sure…”

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“Mistletoe,” said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clumb of white berries placed over Harry’s head. He jumped out from under it. “Good thinking,” said Luna seriously. “It’s often infested with nargles.”

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“I’ll look for him later, I expect I’ll find him upstairs crying his eyes out over my mother’s old bloomers or something…Of course, he might have crawled up into the airing cupboard and died…But I mustn’t get my hopes up…”

———————————————

One of them was a very old wizard who was wearing a long flowery nightgown. The other was clearly a Ministry wizard; he was holding out a pair of pinstriped trousers and almost crying with exasperation.
“Just put them on, Archie, there’s a good chap. You can’t walk around like that, the Muggle at the gate’s already getting suspicious–”
“I bought this in a Muggle shop,” said the old wizard stubbornly. “Muggles wear them.”
“Muggle women wear them, Archie, not the men, they wear these,” said the Ministry wizard, and he brandished the pinstriped trousers.
“I’m not putting them on,” said old Archie in indignation. “I like a healthy breeze ’round my privates, thanks.”

———————————————
Somewhere in the distance they could hear Peeves zooming through the corridors singing a victory song of his own composition:

We did it, we bashed them, wee Potter’s the one, And Voldy’s gone moldy, so now let’s have fun!

“Really gives a feeling for the scope and tragedy of the thing, doesn’t it?” said Ron.

———————————————

Ron: “Sure you’re not thinking of Gorgovitch?”
Harry: “Who?”
“Dragomir Gorgovitch, Chaser, transferred to the Chudley Cannons for a record fee two years ago. Record holder for most Quaffle drops in a season.”
“No,” said Harry. “I’m definitely not thinking of Gorgovitch.
“I try not to either,” said Ron.

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The sooner this wedding’s over the happier I’ll be.” [Ron]
“Yeah” said Harry, “then we’ll have nothing to do except find Horcruxes….It’ll be like a holiday, won’t it?”

——————————————-

“I was awake half the night thinking it all over, and I believe it’s a plot to get the house.”
“The house?” repeated Harry. “What house?”
“This house!” shrieked Uncle Vernon, the vein in his forehead starting to pulse. “Our house! House prices are skyrocketing around here! You want us out of the way and then you’re going to do a bit of hocus-pocus and before we know it the deeds will be in your name and—“
“Are you out of your mind?” demanded Harry. “A plot to get this house? Are you actually as stupid as you look?”

——————————————

“Not this brave at night, are you?” sneered Dudley.
“This is night, Diddykins. That’s what we call it when it goes all dark like this.”

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“…Little Ronnie, a prefect…Oh, I’m all of a dither!” She [Mrs. Weasley] gave Ron yet another kiss on the cheek, sniffed loudly, and bustled from the room Fred and George exchanged looks.
“You don’t mind if we don’t kiss you, do you, Ron?” said Fred in a falsely anxious voice.
“We could curtsy, if you like,” said George.

———————————————

“Who’s Kreacher?”
“The house-elf who lives here,” said Ron. “Nutter. Never met one like him.”
“He is not a nutter,” said Hermione.
“His life’s ambition is to have his head cut off and stuck up on a plaque like his mother,” said Ron. “Is that normal, Hermione?”

——————————————

Don’t be prat, Neville, that’s illegal,” said George. “They wouldn’t use the Cruciatus Curse on the champions. I thought it sounded a bit like Percy singing… maybe you’ve got to attack him while he’s in the shower, Harry.”

——————————————

“Enjoying it?” said Ron darkly. “I don’t reckon he’d come home if Dad didn’t make him. He’s obsessed. Just don’t get him onto the subject of his boss. ‘According to Mr. Crouch…as I was saying to Mr. Crouch…Mr. Crouch is of the opinion…Mr. Crouch was telling me…’ They’ll be announcing their engagement any day now.”

——————————————

Ron: “Who’re you going with then?”
Fred: “Angelina.”
Ron: “What? You’ve already asked her?”
Fred: “Good point. Oi, Angelina! Want to come to the ball with me?”

——————————————

Ron: “I could’ve taken those mer-idiots any time I wanted.”
Hermione: “What were you going to do, snore at them?”

——————————————

An excellent point,” said Professor Dumbledore. “My own brother, Aberforth, was prosecuted for practicing inappropriate charms on a goat. It was all over the papers, but did Aberforth hide? No, he did not! He held his head high and went about his business as usual! Of course, I’m not entirely sure he can read, so that may not have been bravery…”

——————————————

Well, we were always going to fail that one,” said Ron gloomily as they ascended the marble staircase. He had just made Harry feel rather better by telling him how he told the examiner in detail about the ugly man with a wart on his nose in the crystal ball, only to look up an realize he had been describing the examiner’s reflection.

 

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