Harry Potter Spoof

14 Year Old Me’s Version of Harry Potter

OKay so when I was younger I wrote a comical alternate ending to the harry potter stories (I love them so much!) and I recently found it again…

harry potter funny

image from deviant art

 An alternate ending

Harry left the elder wand in Dumbledore’s office and headed back to the Great hall to check on his fellows and to be with Ginny.
He entered the great hall and looked through the crowds for Ginny. Harry saw Hermione embracing Victor Krum whilst Ron stared at them moodily.
To his enormous surprise, Ginny seemed to be a little too close to Draco; they were cuddling and stroking each other’s hair.
“Oi, Draco, get off my bird,” Harry yelled.
“Who says I’m your bird?” Ginny scowled.
“What?” Harry asked puzzled.
“Do you actually think I would marry you? I don’t want my kids to look like you!” Ginny exclaimed.
Harry felt like his world had just ended, a giant crab clamped his heart and he found it difficult to breath. Ginny and Draco were now snogging. He turned away and felt his wand fly out of his hand and noticed one of the hairy death-eaters had gone rigid. His hair disappeared and he was losing weight quickly. His big stupid eyes shrank until they were narrow red slits. His pink face turned paper white. Voldemort grinned up at Harry.
“No!” Harry cried.
“Yes, Harry, polyjuice potion,” Voldemort said smiling, “did you think it was that easy to kill Lord Voldemort, people died for you today Potter, and many especially the oaf Goyle died for me”.
“What so I killed Goyle’s dad?” Harry asked bewildered.
Voldemort nodded, “Poor Bella she loved the oaf and now their child is an orphan”, he said happily.
“Now Harry”, Voldemort said raising the elder wand, “prepare to die in the hands of Lord Voldemort with the elder wand”.
“NO!” Harry said angrily.
“Shouldn’t have left it hanging around mate,” Voldemort advised him coldly.
Harry thought quickly, he had no wand and Voldemort had two, he started panicking then an idea hit him. He reached into his robe pocket and pulled out a pistol and pointed it at Voldemort. Who laughed and waved it away with a flick of his wand.
Harry took out a knife but Voldemort waved that away too. He took out an axe, a dagger, a rocket launcher, a bomb, a banana but Voldemort waved all those away too.
“You cannot defeat me with your muggle contraptions, Harry”
Harry took out one last thing, a crumple-horned snorkak and waved it at Lord Voldemort’s face.
A puff of yellow smoke and Voldemort screamed with pain.
The smoke cleared and Voldemort had the brightest and sleekest ginger hair growing from his baldhead.
Voldemort took out a mirror and peered into it, “I’m ugly!” he sobbed then looked angrily at Harry, “You will pay for this Harry!” he shouted.
Harry tried hard not to laugh; it would not be appropriate as he was just about to die.
“But how did you get the wand?” Harry asked.
“Your mud-blood friend brought it to me in exchange for Krum’s life,” Voldemort said twiddling the elder wand in his waxen fingers.
“What did you do that for?” Harry demanded, turning to face Hermione.
“You didn’t think I was going to marry Ron did you, Krum’s an international Quidditch player!” Hermione declared.
“But Ron’s gorgeous!” Harry exclaimed blushing heavily.
Ron turned to face Harry with a look of alarm and lust.
“Expelliarmus!” someone shouted.
The two wands Voldemort had been holding soared through the air and landed in Neville’s hands.
Neville raised the elder wand and pointed it to Voldemort’s chest and bellowed the killing curse. Voldemort fell to the floor dead.
“I killed him!” Neville shouted happily.
“Way to steal my glory Nev,” Harry muttered.
“I hate you Harry,” Neville spat.
“What?” Harry asked confused.
“You deaf as well as stupid?” Neville teased nastily.
He pointed the elder wand at Harry who backed away nervously.
“Did you really mean that?” Ron asked him, “about me being gorgeous?”
Harry nodded his face feeling hot.
Neville opened his mouth to say the killing curse but he was interrupted by a deafening crash.
Dija stood up and dusted her jeans.
“I’ve come to save you Harry,” she said brightly.
Neville turned to her, looked at her distastefully and spoke,
“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Dija, the writer of this spoof!” he waved his wand and Dija turned into a three legged stool.
Neville turned to Harry.
“Why do you hate me Neville?” Harry asked, he was feeling slightly more cheerful, he had always hated the writer, Dija.
“Your English accent!” Neville explained, “I hate it!”
“B-but that’s the actor who plays me Nev, not me!” Harry said defensively. This was getting ridiculous!
“Because of you loads of people died, like Colin, and you hated Colin, not to mention Snape,” Neville cried.
He waved his wand and yelled, “avarda kadavra”, Harry fell to the floor in a crumpled heap, dead. There were gasps throughout the hall and then cheers. A few wizards waved their wands and party streamers and heavy rap music burst into the hall.
“I did it gran!” Neville said happily. His Gran hugged him tightly.
Neville waved his wand the music died down. Everyone looked up at him.
“From now on, you shall refer to me as Lord Neville, at least until I think of something better”.


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